In this presentation, Evgenia shares the 7 Healthy Boundaries and how setting boundaries can help you in work and at home.
Evgenia Baikova is a highly experienced HR professional with more than 20 years of experience in different industries. For 15 years she led teams and complex international projects. She has significant experience in maintaining strong relationships with employees on different levels of organizations. With a Master’s degree in management, Evgenia has held a variety of HR positions.
Here is the transcript from the presentation:
Ryan: All right. So, today is May 1st and that kicks off Revise Your Work Schedule Month. So, as entrepreneurs, it is extremely easy to let our work completely consume our lives and that’s neither healthy nor sustainable, especially if you hope to run your business in any sort of quality or efficiency.
Ryan: So, today, our speaker had connected with me and sent some topic varieties and she and I had an opportunity to kind of discuss what we wanted to offer this month and how it connects to her expertise and how she could accomplish the goal of making sure that everyone leaves today’s meeting with some good information to learn how to balance work and life, and part of that is understanding where your boundaries are and why it’s OK to enforce them.
Ryan: So, everybody, I would like you to give a hand to our speaker today, Evgenia, who is the owner of, let me look it up so I don’t mess it up. Fulfillment coaching-
Evgenia: And consulting, yes, yes. Yeah. Thank you, Ryan. Yeah.
Ryan: Everyone, let’s give her a hand.
Evgenia: Thank you.
Evgenia: Well, so, I have actually some slides I would like to share with you. Can I do that? Share my screen. Is it there? Can you see it?
Ryan: I can see the presenter view. Could you hit the start slideshow? There you go.
Evgenia: How about this. Yeah. Good.
Evgenia: Well, Ryan, thank you to mentioning that.
Evgenia: Yes, boundaries are so important to make our life balanced. And you even see that the title of this presentation is Boundaries: Expand Your Freedom.
Evgenia: You can think, like, well, boundaries. This is just about saying no, right? Something like that.
Evgenia: So, how boundaries can expand your freedom? Well, they can because you know that setting healthy boundaries can give you a sense of emotional and mental freedom. Because, when you establish healthy boundaries, you can better protect your personal space and maintain the energy levels that you need. And by doing that, what are you doing? You are decreasing the stress and burnout.
Evgenia: Well, and I would like, well, I just introduced myself and here I would like to share a bit more about who I am. So, I strongly believe that our thoughts create our results. My passion is to help others grow, and probably that’s why I ended up being a human resources professional for more than 20 years, as well as Bill, probably. I’m mama of 3 girls, so I do know how to raise kids and my girls are 19, 16, and 10. Also, we have pets, a corgi dog and rescued cat.
Evgenia: And again, what I’m doing for my clients is, I help them to rewire their thoughts so that they can accelerate business and personal results without second guessing.
Evgenia: And you know, I would like to start with this question. Who of you has ever struggled to set boundaries? Who can share?
Ryan: So, I’ll freely admit I let work chip into what’s supposed to be downtime by putting a closer deadline that I could complete work and get it back to someone and that’s an ongoing thing. It’s not just a specific circumstance, but I don’t want to keep someone waiting. I want to get them helped right away and to the detriment of time supposed to be spent away from work.
Evgenia: Yeah, absolutely. And, I’m just wondering, what was so difficult in setting boundaries?
Ryan: Just the fear of disappointing somebody.
Evgenia: And you know that we will talk about this today, too. So, who else would like to share?
Guest: Can you describe what boundaries mean? Like, I’m French. So, English only a short time.
Evgenia: OK so.
Guest: So, boundaries, I don’t really know the meaning.
Evgenia: Yeah, we are talking about healthy boundaries, that means emotional, physical, and mental limits that we are setting up to protect ourselves from mistreatment.
Guest: Oh yeah, for sure. I think everyone has a lot of them. And a lot of them are unconscious. So, like one of the big boundaries is like on our body and mind. We can do so much more thing, like, I’ve run a marathon with no training on my first time. I never thought was possible. It’s just, like, everybody has boundaries and you just need to understand them to see that they’re real, to accept and change. So, yeah.
Evgenia: Exactly, you are absolutely right. So, we are not just setting boundaries, right? We explain to others what we have established, right? And how to respect that and yeah, I will be talking about this today. OK, let’s move.
Evgenia: So, again, we are going to talk about what boundaries are. We will explore what are the types of boundaries. And yes, there are seven of them. We will talk about boundaries at work and in our personal life, in relationship, and friendship, and family. And also, we will look into how to set up boundaries.
Evgenia: So, I just mentioned that healthy boundaries are emotional, physical, and mental limits that we are setting to protect ourselves. And, you know, that’s the interesting fact is, the concept of boundaries has been around for a long time, and even the Greek philosopher Aristotle wrote about the importance of boundaries in creating one’s life, like Ryan, just mentioned.
Evgenia: And boundaries are not just about saying no. It’s, well, almost the opposite thing. It’s about saying yes to the things that are really important to us, right? And also, boundaries, they are flexible. So, if you create one boundary, but you don’t need that in the future, you can change it, right? Because we are living in the so fast changing world.
Evgenia: OK. So, seven types of boundaries, physical boundaries, they’re about space and contact limits. Emotional boundaries, it’s about separating your own emotion, emotions from others and prioritizing our own well-being intellectual boundaries. This this is an interesting one, so this is about us respecting beliefs and values and at the same time being open to others perspective.
Evgenia: Sexual boundaries are very simple. It’s about sexual activity. Material boundaries, about managing possessions and resources in a healthy way. And time and energy boundaries, well, they’re talking just about themselves, right? So, this is about US spending our time and energy.
Evgenia: Any questions so far? OK.
Evgenia: So, why boundaries? Why they’re so important? And why do we need them?
Evgenia: Well, because there are so many benefits, right? So, they are first of all essential for maintaining our physical, emotional and mental well-being. And, you know, sometimes they’re just like invisible lines that define what we are willing to tolerate and what we are not.
Evgenia: So, why do we need them? What are the benefits?
Evgenia: First of all, they’re protecting our physical health, right? Boundaries help us set the limits that protect the space, the energy and the time we are spending on something, right? So, that can prevent us from becoming overwhelmed, exhausted and burned out.
Evgenia: The second thing I like about that, that actually they are enhancing our emotional well-being and you may have a question, but how? Well, they allow us to express our emotions in a clear way and we will be talking, how to do that.
Evgenia: Another thing is that they help us to maintain healthy relationship, because when you are setting up boundaries you have to talk about that, right? You have to be clear about your own boundaries. What’s important for you, and you have to be able to express and explain to those who are around you, and when you do that, actually, we just talk, that well, sometimes you may feel that guilty feeling, but usually it’s the opposite thing. It brings you respect from your colleagues, from family members, and friends.
Evgenia: They are promoting personal growth too and how this works, well, when you think about your boundaries, usually you challenge your thoughts, limiting beliefs and actions and creating boundaries usually leads to some new habits.
Evgenia: And also, boundaries can help you to boost your self-esteem, and this is also an interesting side effect. So, when you create your boundary, when you establish it, you are getting that, you’re getting the sense of worthiness, so you are worth it, because, well, you’ve done something for you. You are taking care of yourself, right? You are setting clear expectations, from yourself and from others, and you keep yourself and others accountable for.
Evgenia: You see how many benefits we have by establishing boundaries, and sometimes we, it’s not clear for us. Do we have some boundaries or we don’t, right? Because they are invisible. But, if you think, I believe that all of you, you already have some types of boundaries and if you remember that seven types, you can think, well, I don’t know, it’s easy to think about kind of a physical one, right? And this is about your personal space. Probably you won’t allow somebody to come such a, like, close to you, because you feel uncomfortable, and you will do something right to protect your space. And this is the simple example I can give you about the boundary.
Evgenia: OK, you know I created this slide because I’d like you to remember that setting boundaries does not mean that we are being selfish or uncaring, and in fact healthy boundaries allow us to be more present and available for others, but when we choose to be, right? And we are not spreading ourselves that thin.
Evgenia: Let’s talk about some boundaries at work. What type of boundaries can we notice there?
Guest 2: Physical boundaries.
Evgenia: Like walls, offices, right?
Guest 2: No, like getting too close to other people or they get too.
Evgenia: Oh yeah. In this too, yeah. What else?
Ryan: Emotional boundaries. You have to have a separation of what goes on at home and what goes on at work, and it’s OK to not want to cross the two.
Evgenia: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, let’s explore. And you’re right. Physical boundaries, right. This is about space. And this is about, like something which is firm, like I just mentioned, walls, offices. We also have it at work. Sometimes we have open space but also you can see how the space is actually divided.
Evgenia: And Ryan, yes, emotional boundaries, because we have to maintain our professionalism, so it’s important to choose what to share, what to keep, what kind of topics we are going to discuss, right? Especially that, at work, we are building friendship, right? Role boundaries are also important and they keep us, they prevent confusion and conflict so that everybody knows what to do, like role responsibilities, job description, or even boundaries between different departments and functions, right? So, what HR is doing, what finance is doing?
Evgenia: Cultural boundaries. You can see that if you work in diverse workplace or also, if you are just, you know, new hired or you will see the new hire from another company, because even if you are working in the same country, you will see that culture is different in different organizations, or even our teams within your company can have different culture. And this is quite OK.
Evgenia: And time boundaries, right? So, this is about how much time we are allocating to projects, to responsibilities, OK?
Evgenia: And here we go. How to say no, right? So, some of you just mentioned that when we are thinking about saying no, usually, with, we feel our self guilty, right? Because this is kind of a normal thing for us as we were raised, not like that, right? Especially those who are not that young, I would say, who are mature, right? We were raised to say yes to every challenge, to every task, to help because all they ask, all the responses to questions, to requests, was about helping other people. But are we helping ourselves?
Evgenia: This is a good question, right? So, when you think to say ‘No’, when you are in a situation and you’d like to say ‘no’, be clear, be clear and direct, and avoid using ambiguous language like, maybe, probably, not today, or something like that, right? So that you can leave the room for different understanding and the person can come back again and again.
Evgenia: And also think about the reason you are doing that, right? So, by doing that you will provide the person with your perspective, and sometimes, we think that, well, that should be obvious for another person or a colleague or for your, our loved ones, but well, this is not the fact, right? So, share what you think about that, give a reason and you will see that the person will understand, or at least the person will get the information to digest and be respectful. Why?
Evgenia: Why this is important is because usually when we are saying no, we are in a kind of a defense position, right? Because we are not feeling comfortable with ourselves saying no, we are just stop and think, OK, this is nothing to do with that person. This is my rule. This is my boundary. So keep it professional. And be responsible and be respectful.
Evgenia: And by the way, Ryan and others, if you need some examples how to say no, I have a, kind of a handout, I’m usually providing when I’m doing this workshop, so I can send it over and you can share with the participants. I created 2 pages of examples of how to say no at work, how to say no to a friend, to your kids and spouse or partner, I think that will be helpful.
Evgenia: So, how to set boundaries at work, right? We were talking that, well, we have to be professional there. So, to keep our face, to be a person. And well, first identify what’s important for you, identify your priorities. Is it a job responsibilities, your personal time, or workload? This will help to establish the boundary you need, and then again communicate. Don’t keep it for yourself. Yeah, like I mentioned before, provide the reason in a respectful manner.
Evgenia: What is also important is to be firm, but at the same time flexible and you will understand where you need to be flexible, like, for example, something urgent and very important is coming your way.
Evgenia: Through probably you will need to reconsider your boundary, but also what’s important. Be careful with that, right? So, that this is not a rule, but the kind of exception. And practice saying no, because this is uncomfortable. This is really uncomfortable and challenging, and for example, you can try, you can play with it in a more space, in a more safe space, like with your friends or family, or you can even play a game and take regular breaks. It seems like this is something really strange. Why taking breaks is so important? Well, because this is a part of your well-being, right? When you are creating your boundaries, you are experiencing stress. You are stressed because you are thinking in a different way. You are doing things that are unusual.
Evgenia: So, think about real lunch break. Don’t eat. But while you are working, right? Go outside just for 5-10 minutes. You will see how this will help you to be recharged again, and by the way, an interesting fact. I realized that scientists just proved that being outside for 15 minutes when the sun is shining is recharging you, like, 100%, like your iPhone, fully charged. If there is no sun outside, spend 30 minutes there. And you can try that, prioritizing self-care again. You know that self-care is a part of building boundaries and try to prioritize yourself, especially if you are working or living in a yes culture. You will see the difference.
Evgenia: Well, let’s talk about boundaries in relationship and friendship.
Evgenia: And again, what we see here, physical boundaries, right? It’s limit on physical touch, personal space, sexual activity, emotional boundaries. This is again about sharing personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences. And I think that you will need some examples here. So, physical boundaries, for example, one of my daughters, she hates hugs. And I taught her how to explain to others her perspective on that. So now all her friends, all family members, know about that. And no one gives her a hug.
Evgenia: Emotional boundary. This is also an interesting thing, especially when, in friendship. And I think that all of you experience that, being a friend who is like your energy consumer, and the friend can talk and talk and using you as a therapist, right? So that you can be open with her, with your friends and talk about that, right? So, for example, you may set an emotional boundary by not wanting to discuss a certain topic, right? Or just by, not wanting to be, I don’t know, the sole emotional support for your friend.
Evgenia: Communication boundaries. This is about types of communication you engaged in and here again you can choose the types of communication you prefer. And also explain to others the why behind that, so that they understand your perspective.
Evgenia: Relationship boundaries. Relationship boundaries. The good example here will be if, for example, someone may set a relationship boundary by not wanting to move from a friendship to romantic relationship. Or if you want to establish some certain expectations in this relationship.
Evgenia: Any questions?
Evgenia: OK.
Evgenia: And boundaries in the family. And again, what we see here, space boundaries, but here we will be talking about personal space and family home. Again, physical touch and personal belongings. Communication boundaries. These are about boundaries, about topics, disagreements, and frequency of communication.
Evgenia: And, I have an example about frequency of communication here. So, my mom, she lives with me, and my sister, she and her family there in New York City, and long ago, like 10 years ago, they agreed that they will communicate twice a week and they stick to the rule and the and now they’re using this boundary today. So, they’re calling each other on Wednesday and Sunday.
Evgenia: Emotional boundaries, again respecting emotions, feelings and setting some boundaries around emotional support, privacy, and personal growth. The good example here would be my family, so members of my family knows that it is OK not to be OK, right? We are fun family, right? So, we like all the things that bring smiles and joy, but, well, sometimes it’s OK not to have a smile on your face. And no one will, you know, push you toward that toxic positivity. We will leave you just to process and if you have any questions, you will come.
Evgenia: Role boundaries. Well, this is important if you have teenagers, right? So that they can challenge their roles and they can challenge your role as their parent, right? This is about expectations, responsibilities, and limits within different family roles.
Evgenia: Time boundaries. This is about how you are spending time together, right? What kind of personal time you allow to have in activities. It’s like movie Fridays or something like that.
Evgenia: And financial boundaries. They are around borrowing, lending, gift giving, or different things that are conducted to money.
Evgenia: So, how to set up boundaries?
Evgenia: Well, first of all, identify your values. What’s important for you and what’s important for your personal life? This will help you to establish boundaries that are aligned with your values and beliefs.
Evgenia: Define your limits. Here you can start from considering what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with. This can include many different things, like think about your time, energy and emotions. And again, communicate your boundaries respectfully, right? Let others know about your boundaries in a clear and respectful way, and you know, unfortunately, this may involve having difficult conversations with your friends, family or coworkers, too.
Evgenia: And stick to your boundaries. Once you have established your boundaries, it’s important to enforce them. And practice. Practice self-care. I’ve mentioned this many times during my presentation. It’s a part of your life. It’s a part of your mental and health thing, right? So, make time for activities that help you to recharge, such as, I don’t know, exercises, jogging, riding, reading, spending time with loved ones. Just think about what you really enjoy doing that’s not something you have to push yourself toward.
Evgenia: And, I would like you to remember that setting boundaries take practice and you have to be patient about that, right? So, practice, the more you try, the more competent you are, the more competent you are, the more confident you are and you will see how it will be easier for you even to practice saying no. Try it once, twice, and the third time will be completely different. And, my question to you, what will you practice today?
Ryan: I think I’ll be a little more assertive about not wanting to discuss personal life so much at work and, you know, also to explain to people that the importance of separating it means I may not be able to schedule your appointment today or for a couple of days. It’s, that time is for family and, you know, to take care of myself because I can’t provide good work if I’m not caring for myself.
Evgenia: Yes, yeah, absolutely. Again, right. So, this is about self-care too. I know how it is difficult to balance your work and life. Yeah, just think about what’s important for you, your values and beliefs. Combine them.
Evgenia: And, you know, sometimes we think that well, this is so challenging. But once you understand the importance of the thing, you’re really taking care of, like, your family, you’re just newborn, right? So, it will be easy for you to establish some new boundaries, to say no to something, right?
Evgenia: And you also will see how relationship with those to whom you are saying no is changing. You will see more respect. You will see more understanding.
Evgenia: So, usually we are afraid to say no because of the things like, well, they won’t understand us or they will reject me next time. No, this is not happening.
Kristen: That’s what I need to practice, is being more clear, because I have a hard time saying ‘No’, and I just end up doing everything and then I’m miserable, because I’ve done everything for everyone else. So that’s where I fall short.
Evgenia: And, you know that you can practice to simplify your answer, your reason, right? Think about that you are providing the reason to someone from like a kindergarten age. And you will see how it helps you to keep it simple.
Kristen: OK.
Evgenia: Thank you. Thank you for sharing.
Evgenia: So, actually this is it for today. If you have any questions, I’m still here.
Ryan: Evgenia, because we’re recording, could you read out loud how someone could contact you if they’re watching later on and your presentation really spoke to them.
Evgenia: It is.
Ryan: Awesome.
Evgenia: Yes, thank you. You know, I am doing that for organizations, and usually we are spending more time on setting boundaries at work and it’s like 30 minutes conversation, because people so eager to learn how to do that, they’re sharing their real examples and I even provide, kind of a life coaching, so that they can even change their perspective about the situation they’re talking about.
Evgenia: Yeah, but well, yeah, this is a really, you know, essential part of our work life balance, especially now, especially after COVID, when now we know that well, we are accessible like 24/7. Which is actually not true.
Ryan: We shouldn’t be at least.
Evgenia: We shouldn’t be. Yeah, we shouldn’t be. But we are falling into the trap, unfortunately.
Ryan: Kristen, do you have any other questions?
Kristen: I do not, no, that was very, very helpful. It was very good. Thank you.
Evgenia: Thank you.
Ryan: Well, let’s give Evgenia a hand.
Evgenia: Thank you.
